Continued…..
PART II
Needless to say, I could not bring myself to visit that doctor again, nor could I bring myself to visit another for a long time, prolonging my agony.
A dear friend and a genuine well wisher, gave
me the reference of a renowned psychiatrist based at Mumbai. He even arranged a
meeting. To be heard...heard and heard is all that a patient of depression
wants. A reassuring smile and patience are the two best healing touches for the
sick and suffering. My desperation to ease me out of the mental agony drew me
to Mumbai, a city I had never visited before. It took me some confidence to
believe that a one-room clinic in the heart of Mumbai could be the parlour of
one of the best mind readers in the country. The moment I entered her chamber, I
could feel a sense of peaceful calm descending over me. She being a lady, I
could relate more to her and open up effortlessly. Three sessions with her and
I was all set to go. The question that troubled me the most I finally asked
her. "Why me doctor?" She replied, “Don’t focus on ‘why’ instead learn
how to defeat it." She said exactly what I wanted to hear.
"Depression is not a disability or mental instability, it is merely a
disease like Malaria or Typhoid and can be cured easily." Depression as a
disease did not sound quite right. I asked again, “But why me?" Her reply,
“What if I tell you that I have diabetes." She smiled.
She said that people who are
over-sensitive, prone to over-thinking and over-imagining are more susceptible
to this. She advised me to get rid of the excessive emotional baggage and look
for positives. "Easier said than done", replied I. "Who doesn't
go through depression in this life? At times even I do, may be I am better
equipped to fight it." This came more as a shock than surprise. Now there
was no room left for self-pity. "Equip yourself with positive
thoughts", she quipped.
I had and still have a big aversion to
pills, especially for depression. I firmly and stubbornly believed that
these pills are nothing but sedatives aiming to numb the mind, make a person
dull headed and wreak havoc on the body both internally and externally. For her
sake, I promised to take the medication daily. On her part she promised that I
would be off these pills very shortly. She advised me to meditate,
exercise, indulge in hobbies, things that everybody and anybody had been
telling me.
I must admit, the medication did wonders
for me. I was less anxious, less agitated, less lethargic and most importantly
I had acquired the ability to give a shut up call to my hyper active mind. I
joined a gym, went for Vippassana and read a lot on spirituality. Meditation
was something that I struggled a lot with initially. But I was determined to
reap its much celebrated benefits. I must have read a dozen books on
meditation, now was the time to experience. To calm my mind was the toughest
challenge. I just couldn't bring my mind to stop thinking. The more I tried,
the more actively it reacted. I had taken a liking to running on the treadmill.
The kind of pleasure that I started deriving from running was inexplicable,
indescribable. The more my knees cried, the more my heart rejoiced. As if I was
running away from my hyperactive mind. Running was the only time my mind
became absolutely sober. So is running meditation? YES! For me certainly. I
realised that there is no fixed technique for meditation. It is just like love,
you only must discover it. The
journey to discovery may be full of self-doubts and disappointments, but what
lies beyond is surreal and all yours.
Slowly I got the hang of quieting my mind.
Initially it was like playing mind games. I would shut my eyes and tell my
mind, "Just let me know what are you thinking about." It would
immediately go quiet. I waited for it to bring forth the thoughts, the more I
prodded the coyer it acted, the more I observed the shyer it became. So child-like!
But I had to be very careful since this child-mind could throw a tantrum any
time and hell would break lose whenever it connived with depression.
Gradually I learnt to be on guard all the time.
Despite all my efforts, let me confess,
depression did not leave me completely. Depression is like a spurned lover, who
will pounce back with most evil intentions, more forcefully, whenever it gets
the first opportunity. This happened to me whenever I skipped my medication. It
pained me that I was still dependent on pills for peace and happiness.
Happiness, to confess honestly still hadn't paid a visit even once.
Although by now I could cajole my mind to
be mellow, but I still struggled with sudden bouts of depression that would
emerge out of nowhere like unwanted acne. Many ask me that what is it that
triggers these bouts. My reply, "If I knew, I wouldn't be a victim." There
could be any number of reasons. Some say mostly it is related to the situations
and circumstances you are surrounded with. We may change the circumstances but
then sometimes your mind joins hands with the heart and starts wishing and
longing for things and situations that may be impossible or impractical. My
funny heart till date wishes that my husband were a professor of English.
Stupid it may be for you, but not for my fertile imagination.
To
be continued......
