SURVIVOR

PART V

Continued...

So how does one defeat this ‘mind boggling’ problem?

      Once upon a time a self- professed atheist, I have now started indulging in a lot of 'non-ritualistic talking' with HIM. This is my idea of praying…talking. My God is a non-religious fatherly figure who is averse to being pleased and appeased, wears a perpetual smile and is an excellent listener. HE also wears a turban. I can talk to HIM anytime. The more I unwind, the clearer the understanding of self. Stubborn knots of heart untie effortlessly and instantly. I talk, he nods. Those who say I keep to self, let me admit, I save all my talking for HIM. So yes, I pray a lot these days and believe you me that does help.

Guru Granth Saheb ji says, “Suffering is medicine, and pleasure the disease, because where there is pleasure, there in no desire for God.”

      Gratitude is prelude to abundance, not necessarily materialistic but abundance of contentment, empathy and compassion. It has opened my tightly shut eyes to the numerous blessings that have been bestowed upon me from time to time. Once while chatting, HE asked me, “What would make you ultimately happy?” And to my utter surprise I had no reply, for I realised I have far more than what is required to be happy...far more than what others have. I just need to acknowledge, appreciate and be thankful. Reaching out to the less fortunate and genuinely helping them out of difficult situations gives a sense of contentment. No feeling is as great as the feeling of contentment and it goes hand in hand with happiness.  

      And of course, the mantra is to keep your mind busy. Being busy is bliss! Pursue your hobbies, they lend charm to a monotonous life. I used Photography as a hobby to delve deep into the rusted and cobwebbed corners of my heart. I trained my camera lens towards the best of birds, butterflies and flowers. Lo and behold! they started modelling for me. Photography helped my ignorant mind and my sorrowful heart in seeing the unseen, discovering the undiscovered and exploring the unexplored. Spending time with nature taught me to smile a lot. Try making a connection with a flower and see what it does to you. Nature is highly therapeutic. From a tiny flower to a mammoth tree, everything is full of humility, ever so smiling, always amiable and amenable.

      

       

      They say, “There is no friend as loyal as a book.” And how true! Reading is something that helped me connect with minds. Writing helped me to de clutter my thoughts. Believe me, it is soothing, stimulating and creative. 

     'Everybody is unique!' Heard this ample number of times but not really true.  Being different is not a very happy situation to be in. Herd mentality is much more acceptable. We evolve collectively and also individually. Over the years I’ve started thinking and looking at things in a particular manner depending upon my surroundings, situations and circumstances. I know my perspectives are not always going to match with others. The key to being at peace with self is acceptance. I accept the uniqueness. I try to accept situations. Acceptance is the forte of the strong. The more I accept, the stronger I am. I can completely relate to it when people say that I’ve changed. Yes I can’t talk that ‘usual’ talk. I sometimes do not approve of people’s thought process. Precisely the reason for my refusal to interact. But I realised that shunning people because they think, talk, behave in a particular manner or simply because they judge or criticise everything will make me recoil into my shell further. I decided to stay strong, to stand my ground. Observing, listening, smiling and yes…a tall glass of good wine does help during parties.

      I have no qualms in declaring that now I love myself unabashedly. I take special care to surround myself with positivity. I remove negative people from my life unflinchingly and un-regretfully. I value ‘my’ happiness above everything. I take good care of my body. Exercise keeps both my body and my mind fit. I do yoga regularly. I am now addicted to gym. The confidence that comes with a healthy body is unparalleled. A strong body nurtures a stronger mind. 

      But at the same time I’ve come to accept that I shall forever have to make constant and conscious efforts and remind myself repeatedly to remain happy. All I can say is that if cancer is the most dreaded disease, depression is the most dreadful one. The fight with depression is constant and never ending. Every time depression bogs me down, I emerge stronger. I profess proudly that I am a depression survivor.

P.S – I have shared my journey from Nadir to Zenith most honestly and sincerely. There are some who feel that these blogs require cleaning and editing for typos and grammatical errors. But friends, when words come straight from the heart, full-stops or commas don’t matter. Agree?

Answers to your questions follow in the next post.

    

NAWAB : A BUNDLE OF UNADULTERATED JOY

PART IV

Continued...

         Pet therapy! Many recommended it to me. We have had pets earlier, German Shepherds always but somehow I couldn’t connect. Maybe they were not cuddlesome enough or probably the sheer size and ferocity intimidated me. May be unlike me, they were extroverts.

Despite having them as pets, I must confess I was not much of a dog lover. Recommended by a dear friend, “he” (can never use “it” for someone who is more humane than most of the human beings) came to me as a 22-day-old pup. Big enough to fit the palm of my hand, he looked at me with his big sad eyes, which instantly melted my heart. The first night in our house was spent to make him comfortable because probably he was missing his mum. I tried everything from cuddling to cajoling and feeding (unnecessarily like all moms do) to make him feel at home but he took his own time as if telling me, its not that easy!! His unique way of sleeping in his bed reminded me of Emperors and Sultans. I decided to call him Nawab.

        I don’t know about other pugs but somehow Nawab has an amazing sixth sense. He knew he was brought home with a purpose, he also knew his mission very well. 'Mission Happiness'! Up at 5AM everyday, he has his eyes transfixed on my bed waiting for some movement. The moment I look at him, up goes his tail and then starts his non-stop jumping.  Perhaps his way of wishing “Good Morning”! And then begins his coaxing me out of the bed. Mewling like a baby, using his paws, he makes vehement efforts to pull me out of bed. With Nawab around, lethargy stands no chance at all. I must get up and get going.

        Throughout the day he is with me, sitting by my feet he keeps looking at me when I am in the kitchen, jumps onto my lap while I am doing yoga and even tries to jump on the treadmill during my workout! Often when I am using my laptop or phone he simply sits in my lap and starts peering into the laptop or phone as if telling me how it is done! Throughout the day he is most dutifully and happily strutting from one room to another along with me, never leaving my side, even for a second. Wherever you go, network follows!! He has this amazing ability of snoring through worst of thundering but is extremely vigilant of my most stealthy tip toes.

           Sometimes I wonder what is it that makes him so obliged. He would sulk if I have to leave him and go out of the house and would be waiting for me on my return, offering the best possible welcome. He has this unique ability to probably read my mind, sense my moods and thereafter in his own little ways try to pep up my spirits. He surely has many tricks up his sleeve. One of it is that he will start circling around me like a whirlwind with his tail perfectly parallel to the ground, a sure shot way to make me smile. When I talk to him, he responds with his eyes and it won’t be an exaggeration if I say that he is the world’s best listener. He has this peculiar way of tilting his head sideways and bringing his face absolutely close to mine, indicating that he is ‘understanding’ me perfectly. My toy, my companion, my confidant, my bundle of positivity, my Nawab has opened the floodgates of happiness for me.

          People say that I’ve pampered him but I feel it is the other way round. Some of the best lessons on unconditional and selfless love, loyalty, honesty and contentment have been taught to me by him in the most effective and practical manner. He knows not only how to ‘give’ love but how to ‘get’ it as well. And he may not be able to speak yet everyday he conveys without fail , "You will always be loved by me." Sometimes, it is more than enough to make me happy.

 

To be continued...

P.S. - I know some of you who are reading this blog have certain queries. I will try and  answer these in my concluding part. 

REACHING OUT

PART 3

Continued…

            I started feeling better and felt like reaching out to friends again. Most of the times our relationship with acquaintances and friends is based on external perspectives. What goes within a person is unfathomable. And we think that family background, education, social status, public conduct, outward appearances give away everything about a person’s true personality. We all carry a world within and this internal world is much more challenging than the world outside. Precisely because of this reason, many friends were unable to comprehend my behavior, took it personally and moved out of my life forever. It hurt but I can't blame them. Many were still there for me and later became even closer. Friends for life! It was during this difficult time that I realised the importance of investing in friendships.  Friends can sometimes be more forgiving and more giving than family. Never hurt a true friend. Friends are God sent emergency lights meant to guide us out of dark tunnels. I am blessed to have friends.

The only good thing that I learned from depression is that one must always treat everyone with compassion and kindness keeping our ego at bay.

            As I recovered, the will to get rid of “Paroxetine”, a wonder drug for depression but in my opinion a weight gain pill, grew stronger. One of my school friends who is a leading plastic surgeon stood by me through thick and thin. Very religiously she sent me a message of care and compassion everyday. A mere message asking if I did yoga today, would make me feel so much loved. Strange that a simple message or a single word of care has the power of making you feel so much better. I shared my growing dislike for paroxetine with her. She simply asked me if I was ready to try homeopathy.  It came as a big surprise to know that most of the renowned doctors of our country are firm believers of homeopathy. Only ‘faith’ has the power to push ‘desperation’ away. Quite reluctantly I agreed to her proposal. Never knew that those minuscule balls carried within them mountains of potency. Initially I had both allopathy and homeopathy, but slowly with great difficulty and much resistance from my family, I weaned myself off completely from paroxetine. Homeopathy is the medicine of believers and believing doesn’t come easy to our inherent suspicious nature. Not surprisingly, my family is still suspicious of the benefits of homeopathy.  But I am believer now.

            Worst are the times when you are feeling a little low or a little high (like anybody else) and prompt comes a query, “Hope you had your medicine?” or much worse an argument that leads to only one thing-- “We told you not to stop your medication.” As if they don’t trust me enough to fight my own demons! It may sound a bit negative but I would like to be extremely truthful in saying that depression is like that sensitive scar which when touched even inadvertently, starts bleeding profusely and needs to be treated all over again. You need truckloads of ointments of love and bandages of compassion to treat it. Love, compassion and understanding can drive depression away.

            My sister, although younger in years but much more mature, was my pillar of support and held my hand throughout. My husband suffered the most yet he never complained. If I didn’t sleep he couldn’t. If I didn’t like going out he simply wouldn’t. Life can be very miserable if your partner is a patient of depression. Well, didn't we take  sacred vows to stand by each other through thick and thin? 

               During my journey to recovery I was  always on the lookout for anything and everything that could be even remotely connected to happiness and joy. So how can I forget my bundle of joy.....Nawab!

                                                                                                To be continued…

THE DEPRESSION JOURNEY

Continued…..

PART II

     Needless to say, I could not bring myself to visit that doctor again, nor could I bring myself to visit another for a long time, prolonging my agony.

   A dear friend and a genuine well wisher, gave me the reference of a renowned psychiatrist based at Mumbai. He even arranged a meeting. To be heard...heard and heard is all that a patient of depression wants. A reassuring smile and patience are the two best healing touches for the sick and suffering. My desperation to ease me out of the mental agony drew me to Mumbai, a city I had never visited before. It took me some confidence to believe that a one-room clinic in the heart of Mumbai could be the parlour of one of the best mind readers in the country. The moment I entered her chamber, I could feel a sense of peaceful calm descending over me. She being a lady, I could relate more to her and open up effortlessly. Three sessions with her and I was all set to go. The question that troubled me the most I finally asked her. "Why me doctor?" She replied, “Don’t focus on ‘why’ instead learn how to defeat it."  She said exactly what I wanted to hear. "Depression is not a disability or mental instability, it is merely a disease like Malaria or Typhoid and can be cured easily." Depression as a disease did not sound quite right. I asked again, “But why me?" Her reply, “What if I tell you that I have diabetes." She smiled. 

     She said that people who are over-sensitive, prone to over-thinking and over-imagining are more susceptible to this. She advised me to get rid of the excessive emotional baggage and look for positives. "Easier said than done", replied I. "Who doesn't go through depression in this life? At times even I do, may be I am better equipped to fight it." This came more as a shock than surprise. Now there was no room left for self-pity. "Equip yourself with positive thoughts", she quipped. 

  

     I had and still have a big aversion to pills, especially for depression. I firmly and stubbornly believed that these pills are nothing but sedatives aiming to numb the mind, make a person dull headed and wreak havoc on the body both internally and externally. For her sake, I promised to take the medication daily. On her part she promised that I would be off these pills very shortly.  She advised me to meditate, exercise, indulge in hobbies, things that everybody and anybody had been telling me.

      I must admit, the medication did wonders for me. I was less anxious, less agitated, less lethargic and most importantly I had acquired the ability to give a shut up call to my hyper active mind. I joined a gym, went for Vippassana and read a lot on spirituality. Meditation was something that I struggled a lot with initially. But I was determined to reap its much celebrated benefits. I must have read a dozen books on meditation, now was the time to experience. To calm my mind was the toughest challenge. I just couldn't bring my mind to stop thinking. The more I tried, the more actively it reacted. I had taken a liking to running on the treadmill. The kind of pleasure that I started deriving from running was inexplicable, indescribable. The more my knees cried, the more my heart rejoiced. As if I was running away from my hyperactive mind.  Running was the only time my mind became absolutely sober. So is running meditation? YES! For me certainly. I realised that there is no fixed technique for meditation. It is just like love, you only must discover it. The journey to discovery may be full of self-doubts and disappointments, but what lies beyond is surreal and all yours.

     Slowly I got the hang of quieting my mind. Initially it was like playing mind games. I would shut my eyes and tell my mind, "Just let me know what are you thinking about." It would immediately go quiet. I waited for it to bring forth the thoughts, the more I prodded the coyer it acted, the more I observed the shyer it became. So child-like! But I had to be very careful since this child-mind could throw a tantrum any time and hell would break lose whenever it connived with depression. Gradually I learnt to be on guard all the time.

     Despite all my efforts, let me confess, depression did not leave me completely. Depression is like a spurned lover, who will pounce back with most evil intentions, more forcefully, whenever it gets the first opportunity. This happened to me whenever I skipped my medication. It pained me that I was still dependent on pills for peace and happiness. Happiness, to confess honestly still hadn't paid a visit even once. 

     Although by now I could cajole my mind to be mellow, but I still struggled with sudden bouts of depression that would emerge out of nowhere like unwanted acne. Many ask me that what is it that triggers these bouts. My reply, "If I knew, I wouldn't be a victim." There could be any number of reasons. Some say mostly it is related to the situations and circumstances you are surrounded with. We may change the circumstances but then sometimes your mind joins hands with the heart and starts wishing and longing for things and situations that may be impossible or impractical. My funny heart till date wishes that my husband were a professor of English. Stupid it may be for you, but not for my fertile imagination.

                                                                                                To be continued......