Smile with pride

SMILE WITH PRIDE

            My fetish for ‘crows feet’ is perhaps as old as me. The way it lights up the eyes and adds that special joyous tinge to an ordinary smile is almost divine. What is a smile if it does not reach the eyes? Then again, why call it 'crow’s feet' and not 'beauty beams'? How about 'smiling rays'? 

            I always feel that whatever suits on you, or makes you feel confident and good also makes you feel beautiful. But then it’s such a pity that the standards governing beauty are mere statistics, applied universally, disregarding uniqueness and individual beauty. Anyway, I always longed for ‘crow’s feet’.  I imagine myself smiling in a particular manner--'my' smile, after sitting on my lips for a while, dreamily trails up creating ripples of joy on my face, then it reaches my eyes, making my eyes beam in their full glory before fanning out of my eyes like soft brush strokes that stand out remarkably on a beautifully painted canvas. I often crinkle my eyes to see how deep and far these creases spread. This has been one of my secret joys and I indulge in it quite frequently during my sessions of mirror talking. I always wondered if ‘crow’s feet’ would make me ‘look’ as beautiful as my grandmother or our house help Badaami. It was only in one of the recently clicked photographs that for first time i saw a bold and well defined plume like formation around my eyes. To say the least, I was immensely pleased. And who says that pics belie? The camera is smarter than the mirror and mind sometimes. 

            Nevertheless, If crow's feet make me look not so attractive and haggard to others' eye I surely ‘feel’ beautiful and worthwhile being the proud owner of these crimps. Sometime back, someone in a most polite and apologetic way pointed out that the worst and foremost tell tale sign of age is ‘crow’s feet’. Obviously she was hinting at my most cherished creases. She even recommended that I use a good eye gel that would make them vanish. Professing herself to be my well wisher she suggested in a polite yet seemingly sadistic manner that I wear sunglasses in order to hide my age. Is it really that bad to age? Why this obsession about hiding age? For me the grace of age is more poetic than the charms of youth.

I am reminded of  Robert Browning's lines:

“Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made. Our times are in his hand who saith, 'A whole I planned, youth shows but half; Trust God: See all, nor be afraid!”

Crow’s feet -- A death knell for vanity? Really? But then what about all this talk about beauty being skin deep ? 

            All Perceptions! Yours and mine! Ours and theirs! In this particular case I didn’t even want to reconsider my perceptions, and clung to them even more passionately. My idea of beauty perhaps does not comply with those in fashion industry or beauty business or those adhering to fixed and ancient norms of beauty. I am convinced that  my ‘crow’s feet’ is very endearing. Flaunting it is like showcasing the depths of life's experiences and maturity.  I realized, the genuine the smile the deeper and the profounder the crow's feet. I even noticed a beautiful  sun-rays-patterned ‘crow’s feet’ especially when I laugh out loud. Together with laugh lines, it adds a new dimension to my face--My face has acquired the power to reflect , in a subtle manner,  the untold tales of innumerable moments of joy-- a soft reminder of a life lived smilingly.

Your queries, my struggles....

PART V

Continued…

In this part I try to answer, to the best of my ability, a few questions asked by you all.

1. Are you out of it?

A rose must have thorns to be a rose; life must have ups and downs to be life. When depressed, one tends to lose the ability to ignore and accept. There is no one who has not been depressed at some time or the other in life, for depression is latent in all of us. I don’t want to sound pessimistic when I say that I am not “totally or completely” out of it. But now I have trained my mind not to let it overwhelm me. I have now regained the ability to get out of it and bounce back quickly with much more gusto. All I can say is that my days of over thinking, over imagining, over interpreting are finally over now. I am still attracted to sorrows but I now also know, how not to let the termites of sorrow eat out hollow, the joys of life.

2. Did homeopathy help?

I was on paroxetine for two years before I switched over to homeopathy. Perhaps my mind still wanted me to think and believe that I needed an alternative and external support to defeat it. Perhaps homeopathy filled that void. But I would admit I relied on homeopathy for moral support and sometimes that is all one requires.

3. What triggers it?

Even the most inconsequential of things like grey weather can give me the worst of blues. It could be an argument going haywire or Internet playing up. More than the trigger it is the aftermath that wreaks havoc. I cannot pin point on the trigger, for sometimes, a thing that has hurt me even months ago, remains with me and like a fast growing tumor keeps gnawing at my mental peace, finally leading to a breakdown of worst kind. I can’t avoid getting hurt, stressed or change the circumstances/people. I can only try not to get depressed by remaining strong. Now I have got the knack of swimming out of the horrible pool of negativity. I focus on all that keeps me happy and rejuvenated. I don’t let my mind oscillate unnecessarily between past and future, I don’t let the shackles of past affect me, or the anxieties of future overwhelm me. I simply move on, picking up the best and discarding the rest. Also triggers can’t be templated, in the sense that what triggers depression in me may not trigger it in someone else.

4. What is it that helped you the most?

Nothing in particular, but it is a combined effort from medication to meditation, counseling to positive thinking, change of environment to pursuing hobbies. Only you know what works best for you. Your idea of happiness is exclusive to you. Just focus on that. I put the bullies of pessimism, anxiety and worry in their place and jumped out of the pool of negativity into the wondrous world of positivity.

5. Was it really tough?

Of course it was extremely tough. For a very long time I didn’t even realize that I was suffering from depression. I carried on with this beast of depression till it sucked out every last bit of hope and happiness. All along I knew that something was missing.  It took me a long time to realize that I needed medical help. It took me longer to seek it and it took me longest to accept that I suffered from it --Depression.

SURVIVOR

PART V

Continued...

So how does one defeat this ‘mind boggling’ problem?

      Once upon a time a self- professed atheist, I have now started indulging in a lot of 'non-ritualistic talking' with HIM. This is my idea of praying…talking. My God is a non-religious fatherly figure who is averse to being pleased and appeased, wears a perpetual smile and is an excellent listener. HE also wears a turban. I can talk to HIM anytime. The more I unwind, the clearer the understanding of self. Stubborn knots of heart untie effortlessly and instantly. I talk, he nods. Those who say I keep to self, let me admit, I save all my talking for HIM. So yes, I pray a lot these days and believe you me that does help.

Guru Granth Saheb ji says, “Suffering is medicine, and pleasure the disease, because where there is pleasure, there in no desire for God.”

      Gratitude is prelude to abundance, not necessarily materialistic but abundance of contentment, empathy and compassion. It has opened my tightly shut eyes to the numerous blessings that have been bestowed upon me from time to time. Once while chatting, HE asked me, “What would make you ultimately happy?” And to my utter surprise I had no reply, for I realised I have far more than what is required to be happy...far more than what others have. I just need to acknowledge, appreciate and be thankful. Reaching out to the less fortunate and genuinely helping them out of difficult situations gives a sense of contentment. No feeling is as great as the feeling of contentment and it goes hand in hand with happiness.  

      And of course, the mantra is to keep your mind busy. Being busy is bliss! Pursue your hobbies, they lend charm to a monotonous life. I used Photography as a hobby to delve deep into the rusted and cobwebbed corners of my heart. I trained my camera lens towards the best of birds, butterflies and flowers. Lo and behold! they started modelling for me. Photography helped my ignorant mind and my sorrowful heart in seeing the unseen, discovering the undiscovered and exploring the unexplored. Spending time with nature taught me to smile a lot. Try making a connection with a flower and see what it does to you. Nature is highly therapeutic. From a tiny flower to a mammoth tree, everything is full of humility, ever so smiling, always amiable and amenable.

      

       

      They say, “There is no friend as loyal as a book.” And how true! Reading is something that helped me connect with minds. Writing helped me to de clutter my thoughts. Believe me, it is soothing, stimulating and creative. 

     'Everybody is unique!' Heard this ample number of times but not really true.  Being different is not a very happy situation to be in. Herd mentality is much more acceptable. We evolve collectively and also individually. Over the years I’ve started thinking and looking at things in a particular manner depending upon my surroundings, situations and circumstances. I know my perspectives are not always going to match with others. The key to being at peace with self is acceptance. I accept the uniqueness. I try to accept situations. Acceptance is the forte of the strong. The more I accept, the stronger I am. I can completely relate to it when people say that I’ve changed. Yes I can’t talk that ‘usual’ talk. I sometimes do not approve of people’s thought process. Precisely the reason for my refusal to interact. But I realised that shunning people because they think, talk, behave in a particular manner or simply because they judge or criticise everything will make me recoil into my shell further. I decided to stay strong, to stand my ground. Observing, listening, smiling and yes…a tall glass of good wine does help during parties.

      I have no qualms in declaring that now I love myself unabashedly. I take special care to surround myself with positivity. I remove negative people from my life unflinchingly and un-regretfully. I value ‘my’ happiness above everything. I take good care of my body. Exercise keeps both my body and my mind fit. I do yoga regularly. I am now addicted to gym. The confidence that comes with a healthy body is unparalleled. A strong body nurtures a stronger mind. 

      But at the same time I’ve come to accept that I shall forever have to make constant and conscious efforts and remind myself repeatedly to remain happy. All I can say is that if cancer is the most dreaded disease, depression is the most dreadful one. The fight with depression is constant and never ending. Every time depression bogs me down, I emerge stronger. I profess proudly that I am a depression survivor.

P.S – I have shared my journey from Nadir to Zenith most honestly and sincerely. There are some who feel that these blogs require cleaning and editing for typos and grammatical errors. But friends, when words come straight from the heart, full-stops or commas don’t matter. Agree?

Answers to your questions follow in the next post.

    

NAWAB : A BUNDLE OF UNADULTERATED JOY

PART IV

Continued...

         Pet therapy! Many recommended it to me. We have had pets earlier, German Shepherds always but somehow I couldn’t connect. Maybe they were not cuddlesome enough or probably the sheer size and ferocity intimidated me. May be unlike me, they were extroverts.

Despite having them as pets, I must confess I was not much of a dog lover. Recommended by a dear friend, “he” (can never use “it” for someone who is more humane than most of the human beings) came to me as a 22-day-old pup. Big enough to fit the palm of my hand, he looked at me with his big sad eyes, which instantly melted my heart. The first night in our house was spent to make him comfortable because probably he was missing his mum. I tried everything from cuddling to cajoling and feeding (unnecessarily like all moms do) to make him feel at home but he took his own time as if telling me, its not that easy!! His unique way of sleeping in his bed reminded me of Emperors and Sultans. I decided to call him Nawab.

        I don’t know about other pugs but somehow Nawab has an amazing sixth sense. He knew he was brought home with a purpose, he also knew his mission very well. 'Mission Happiness'! Up at 5AM everyday, he has his eyes transfixed on my bed waiting for some movement. The moment I look at him, up goes his tail and then starts his non-stop jumping.  Perhaps his way of wishing “Good Morning”! And then begins his coaxing me out of the bed. Mewling like a baby, using his paws, he makes vehement efforts to pull me out of bed. With Nawab around, lethargy stands no chance at all. I must get up and get going.

        Throughout the day he is with me, sitting by my feet he keeps looking at me when I am in the kitchen, jumps onto my lap while I am doing yoga and even tries to jump on the treadmill during my workout! Often when I am using my laptop or phone he simply sits in my lap and starts peering into the laptop or phone as if telling me how it is done! Throughout the day he is most dutifully and happily strutting from one room to another along with me, never leaving my side, even for a second. Wherever you go, network follows!! He has this amazing ability of snoring through worst of thundering but is extremely vigilant of my most stealthy tip toes.

           Sometimes I wonder what is it that makes him so obliged. He would sulk if I have to leave him and go out of the house and would be waiting for me on my return, offering the best possible welcome. He has this unique ability to probably read my mind, sense my moods and thereafter in his own little ways try to pep up my spirits. He surely has many tricks up his sleeve. One of it is that he will start circling around me like a whirlwind with his tail perfectly parallel to the ground, a sure shot way to make me smile. When I talk to him, he responds with his eyes and it won’t be an exaggeration if I say that he is the world’s best listener. He has this peculiar way of tilting his head sideways and bringing his face absolutely close to mine, indicating that he is ‘understanding’ me perfectly. My toy, my companion, my confidant, my bundle of positivity, my Nawab has opened the floodgates of happiness for me.

          People say that I’ve pampered him but I feel it is the other way round. Some of the best lessons on unconditional and selfless love, loyalty, honesty and contentment have been taught to me by him in the most effective and practical manner. He knows not only how to ‘give’ love but how to ‘get’ it as well. And he may not be able to speak yet everyday he conveys without fail , "You will always be loved by me." Sometimes, it is more than enough to make me happy.

 

To be continued...

P.S. - I know some of you who are reading this blog have certain queries. I will try and  answer these in my concluding part.